A day with the Cup
Every year, the newly- crowned Stanley Cup Champions not only get to hoist the trophy during a victory parade in their town, but the players also get to have their own day with the cup.
Most years, I watch the coverage online and television showing all the wacky things that the players do with the cup and I could give two shits less. Why, you ask? Well because up until this year, the Caps have never even truly sniffed the Stanley Cup. But this year…
Conveniently enough, the Caps won the cup on the road in Vegas, so mere hours after they were celebrating on the ice, the players, led by the Great 8, were hoisting the cup through the MGM Grand, and spent the next 3 or 4 days on a complete bender.
So the last couple weeks, the cup has been making its rounds throughout the team. And it got me thinking… “What would I do if I had a day with the Cup?”….
I would start my day by driving to the closest nearby private airport to take delivery of the cup directly on the tarmac. This is standard operating procedure, I have done my research. I would buckle the Cup in the front seat and we would head straight home.
First order of business when we get home? Cinnamon Toast Crunch.
You heard me, Cinnamon Toast Crunch, the best cereal that has and ever will hit the market, don’t @ me. Eating cereal out of the cup is commonplace, but even dreamboat Tom Wilson didn’t get the cereal choice right.
After breakfast, the cup would take a shower with me. Relax, it’s not weird, it will need to be cleaned off and we can’t discriminate in restrooms because of gender identity, so it’s completely PC. We would then get dappered up and head to my high school.
Now my high school didn’t have a hockey team, and I didn’t play any varsity sports, but I feel like greatness needs to be shared with the youth. I literally spent my entire youth as a DC sports fan NEVER seeing a winner in any sport, so when you finally get one, you gotta share the joy.
I would then head to my local bank and withdraw $1, 000 in Sacagawea gold coins.
The only thing that can make you look like more of a baller than running around town with the Cup would be running around town with 1,000 Native American women inside of it.
Next stop, Redskins Park.
I would then march into Redskins Park and demand to see Daniel Snyder. They would most definitely let me in because I would threaten to call CNN and report that Dan Snyder was disparaging 1,000 Native Americans from the “Winnacup” Tribe and that is the last thing they need. Once inside, I would tell Dan that the coins are an offering from my tribe, of which Ted Leonsis is a descendant of, and that the coins are worth $1 billion dollars. In exchange for the coins, he must trade Preston Smith and a 2nd round pick to the Raiders for Khalil Mack, fire Bruce Allen, anddddddd sell the team to Ted Leonsis. He would totally believe it all and agree, because Dan only deals with cash, and he’s BFF’s with Ted.
After the paperwork was finished, I would go straight to the club and celebrate with copious amounts of alcohol. More specifically Bud Light 10oz. cans dumped in one at a time, because they taste better than 12oz. and better be ice cold. But I wouldn’t be celebrating just because I had a day with the cup, but rather that one small step was made to Make the Redskins Great Again.
Is it football season yet?
Haha hell yeah caps!
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